losing momentum
I had a really great dream about him the other night.

It was the first time we’d seen each other in about 8 months and we hugged for a lil bit and he asked if I was stoned and I said yes and he was a bit disappointed because we were always supposed to be straight together and we’d always get stoned together but he got over it. So we sat in bed for a bed and he cuddled my legs, and we just laid down while he stroked me. Then we went out for a bit and it was nice cause it wasn’t awkward at all and we were best friends again. Then I had these fantasies that we were dating and I’d take him out in public with me and it was really nice.

getting fucked up on a school night when i have a test tomorrow wooohoooo

my life is a pile of shit

Drunken Rant While Listening to Pavement

Okay I’m drunk as fuck but i’m really gonna try my hardest to make this post supplementary (**??) 

Tonight I hung out with my best friends and this guy i’ve been flirting with and i think i’m just now realizing that i’m developing feelings for him which is really bad because i think he’s just now starting to lose feelings for me and i don’t know what to do.

the other thing i realized is this guy is exactly like the guy i used to be in love with.

you guys i thought i had no idea what love is but the more i think about my ex best friends (his name is quincy ok i dgaf) the more i miss him and the more i’m convinced that he actually was my first love.

i’ve never cared about a person more than i’ve cared about quincy and it’s been 4 months since i’ve seen him but i still can’t get him out of my head. every time i experience a happy moment i think about him and how i want him here with me. i want to take care of him. i love him so much i miss everything about him. i miss his room, his sense of humor, his ability to turn every situation into something positive, his friends, his clothes, his everything. i’m in love with him, i’ll never get over it. i am in love with a guy i have absolutely no chance with that i probably won’t see for a very long time and my heart aches for him every single day and i know for a fact that he doesn’t think about me anymore.

as much as i’d like to rant about how much i like this new guy (his name is matt) i just can’t do it because i find myself describing quincy and then i get sad because i realize matt will never be as amazing as quincy was and now i’m just in a mess.

Honestly fuck you.

Yeah don’t respond to my messages. Completely ignore me. Act as if you’ve never done a bad thing in your life. 

You are so selfish. You really don’t know what you’ve done to me, do you? I’ll give you a little preview.

You know the sole reason I started cutting myself was because of you? There you go. I said it. I started cutting myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I was nothing but a good friend. I listened to you while you ranted about Brooke and your brother for HOURS. You never asked me once about my life, my issues. Whenever I talked to you about it I felt like I was complaining. But somehow, no matter what, you always had this way of making me feel better. I went through one of the hardest times in my life this summer, and you bailed on me when I needed you the most. You’re so selfish. Yeah I know you’re going through shit. I would’ve been there for you at 5 in the morning if you gave me the chance. But you didn’t. You only thought about yourself. You think you’re the only one with problems? You’re so self centered it’s unbelievable. 

Do you know that I didn’t go to school today because I cried for HOURS about you last night. Yesterday was the third day I’ve cried about you since August. I stayed in my room. I isolated myself from the people who were trying to help me. Hell, I starved myself.

You forced me to go to this place, this dark place, of complete hopelessness. I fought off every person who tried to get close to me because I was afraid it wouldn’t work out. And you know it’ll probably be this way for a while. You’ve made me shut off my heart, my empathy, and compassion. 

You put me through all of this, and yet I still miss you.

I was a kickass best friend. I didn’t deserve the way you treated me. Yet, I want nothing more then for you to be back in my life again. I’d change anything about myself if I knew you’d be by my side. All I want to do is protect you. I want to hold you, and tell you it’ll be alright. 

It’s funny because I refused to believe what anybody said about you. They said you were an asshole. A jerk. A prick. And I’d defend you EVERY TIME. I gave you a chance, because everybody deserves one. And for a while, I was convinced you were just misunderstood. But now I’ve come to the realization that they were all right. You are a dick. And you had the opportunity to prove everyone wrong. You let me down. 

I’m disappointed. I never would expected things to end up the way they did. And now, this is how it is. I still ache for you, every single day. I think about the times we spent together, and how much you changed me as a person, and how much I love and miss you and care about you. I’ll probably care about you until the day I die. The sad part is I probably haven’t even crossed your mind once.

If you’re reading this Quincy, I really do hope you’re happy. I want nothing but the best for you. You deserve it. I don’t know why, considering how much you’ve hurt me, but it would still break my heart to hear that you’re in a bad place. 

So these are my final words: I love you. You’ve changed me as a person in ways I cannot put into words. I’ve never, ever cared about a person the way I cared about you. I love you to the empire state building and back. Not a day goes by where you don’t cross my mind, and I don’t say a little prayer hoping you’re o.k. I love you. You are, and forever will be, my brother and other half. 


♱☽pale blog☾♱

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I had my first kiss.

It was absolutely amazing. It was everything I wanted it to be. We went to a record store and drove around while listening to the Grateful Dead and got sushi and boba and it was so nice. We watched the sunset and then he leaned in and he kissed me. He kissed me and he grabbed my waist and then looked at me and smiled and then kept on kissing me. He is so cute. I am so happy.